Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Seattle Embraces New Baseball Idols

SEATTLE, Wash. -- The Emerald City has turned head over heels for Sean Arant, Brad McGreevy, and the other players who came over in what is being called the biggest trade in franchise history. Seattle sent Willie Klopp, Albert Garcia, Joe Daye, and two other players to South Bay in a deal that many people expected to cause panic in the Seattle populace. Instead, the new Monarchs have quickly won over a skeptical fan base.

"Sean Arant is the greatest guy I've ever met," enthused local fan Joe Schmoe. "I met him this morning and he couldn't have been nicer." Arant was riding in the team's "Welcome to the Northwest" parade yesterday when he insisted that the car stop and, flanked by Monarchs security, walked the length of the parade route shaking hands, kissing babies, and otherwise endearing himself to the population. The parade ended at Westlake Center where the new players gave a series of impromptu speeches.

Arant, who was born and raised in Seattle, was thrilled to return to his hometown. "It's always been a dream to play for the Monarchs," enthused Arant. "I used to pretend I would hit the game winning home run in game seven of the Cecil Cup. Now, I hope to make that dream come true this October." The crowd cheered Arant's speech wildly.

The crown also warmly greeter righthanded Brad McGreevy, expected to be the number three starter this year. "In South Bay, with that snooty crowd, I had to be Bradford, but now that I'm away from those phony posers, I can go back to being good old Brad." The crowd responded by chanting "Brad, Brad, Brad," and swooning on its feet.

Another pitcher expected to join the rotation, Christian Sedillo, took the podium next. "I can only hope to help this franchise get to the promised land," said Sedillo. "Even a poor orphan from the Dominican Republic, like me, can see that the Monarchs are going all the way next year." The ladies in the crowd felt their heartstrings tugged by the combination of the sad story of Sedillo's childhood and his matinee idol looks.

Infielder Chuck Novotny was up next. "I can say, with all honesty, that Seattle is the finest city in the world. I've lived with the hicks in Hickory and the so-called elite in South Bay, but there's nothing greater than the fans here in Seattle," yelled Sedillo, straining to be heard over the screaming, delerious audience.

The last speaker was perhaps the most surprising, as shortstop Emmanuel Fernandez brought down the house. The elder statesman and three-time All-Star, was considered a throw in, added to the trade to bring some balance to the salaries changing hands. But the throng of Monarchs partisans quickly adopted Fernandez as one of their own. Fernandez's two hour speech showed his range as it included a cure for male pattern baldness, a plan for peace in the Middle East that was hailed as a breakthrough in diplomacy, and a fantastic recipe for cranberry scones. "So, all I can say is 'Thank you, Seattle.' Thank you for taking me into your hearts and I hope that we can repay you with the championship you so richly deserve." The audience, who had moaned and writhed in ecstasy throughout the speech, reacted to these closing words in a manner that can not be fairly described in the presence of children.

"These guys are the greatest," said Schmoe. 'I thought that my fan interest would decline from 98 to 92 or 93. But, now that I've met them, I'd say it's 100. I'm on my way now to sell a kidney to raise cash for a trip to Spring Training."

3 comments:

  1. Bwaaaa!

    Great job, Mack. Between this and your post about the best record not winning the Cup, you've made so much lemonade from your lemons this offseason, you should open up a stand.

    I'd still rip you off on it, though, so sell it to Nate and the rest of the league.

    Very funny. "Brad! Brad! Brad!"

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  2. It's nice that he's trying, isn't it?

    And think of McGreevey.

    1. He gets traded from River Cities to the reigning champs, South Bay.

    2. He gets to watch his old team beat his new team in the division and then the Cecil Cup.

    3. He then gets traded from South Bay to the Cecil Cup loser.

    What's the poor guy to think?

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  3. I guess I should hope that Mack trades McGreevey back to me next offseason, and then I turn around and deal him to you at the trade deadline.

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