Friday, March 26, 2010

Hickory Manager Fired, Will Not Be Missed

The Hickory Huskers bid farewell to Todd Lee today, after the 47-year-old manager’s first and only year at the helm. The move reportedly shocked 94-year-old Florida resident Charlotte Patricia Lee-Simmons, the outgoing manager’s grandmother; an informal poll of every other Hickory fan, player, staff member, and observer revealed a universal lack of surprise or dismay at the move.

“This is the moment where we typically would thank Todd for his dedicated service, and wish him well in his future endeavors,” said Husker GM Frank Ferrara at the combination press conference / celebratory barbeque. “But we actually sort of hope he does poorly in the future. He took a franchise that made the playoffs a year ago and transformed it into a 100-loss team. Quite frankly, I hope a bird craps on his head while he’s walking to his car.”

Lee was signed to a lucrative contract prior to the 2015 season, after veteran manager Jason Mitchell signed a lucrative contract of his own to be the bench coach in Seattle. He then presided over a season in which most of Hickory’s top players and prospects simultaneously had career-worst campaigns, and the team and franchise as a whole cratered in a way typically unknown outside of Queens. He departs with two years and more than $1M remaining on his contract. “And that doesn’t even count the amount that will be required to hire a Shaman to lift the curse on the manager’s office and the amount needed to salt the earth on which Todd walked,” noted Ferrara.

Lee himself was sanguine. In a prepared statement, he said, “I am sorry to leave Hickory, where I have developed some excellent relationships. I will always remember my time in Nebraska with great fondness.” Lee was then informed that the Huskers actually play in North Carolina, at which point he had to be sedated and was loaded into an unmarked black van.

Lee will be replaced by 51-year-old first-time manager Chris Thomas.

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