The Commissioner's Office is hereby announcing that they are opening an investigation into the activities of the Seattle Monarchs. During the Wolves recent road trip to Seattle to play the Monarchs, someone in the Monarch's employ secretly crept into the Wolves clubhouse and stole their bats. Of course, this gave the Monarchs an unfair advantage.
The proof for this is the fact that over the course of the three game series, the Wolves only managed to get four hits. Beau Manning had two, Miguel Cuesta had one and Joseph Bevers had the fourth. These brave players only managed to get hits by bravely and with much self-sacrifice, attempting to hit the ball with their bare hands. Of course, once the teams moved back to Brooklyn, the Monarch groundskeepers could no longer practice their skulldudgery and the Wolves managed seven hits and a victory.
The Commissioner's Office is investigating the matter. If it is found that the Monarchs cheated, the following punishments are being considered:
1. Forfiture of the Monarch's first round pick in the amateur draft for the next fifty seasons.
2. A salary cap of $5 million for the next twenty seasons
3. A rule stating that any runs in excess of one that the Monarchs score in any game don't count
4. A stipulation that Monarch batters can only use silly string for bats.
5. Monarch pitchers have to pitch from center field.
6. A ruling that all Monarch team flights have to pass over the South Pole.
The Commissioner's Office officially requests that any owners having information on the theft of Wolf bats in Seattle please come forward and give evidence.
Thank You.
I think the real story here is the sportsmanship shown by the Monarchs. After shutting Brooklyn out for 33 straight innings on a total of six hits (and only one walk), the Monarchs took pity on the beleaguered Wolves. The Brooklyn fans are not known for compassion and the things being said to the Wolves' hitters do not bear repeating.
ReplyDeleteAccordingly, Seattle management ordered righthanders Merlin Bohon and Willie Sewell to pitch the seventh and eighth innings as lefties. The Wolves' crowd, as inebriated as the typical New York sports fan, did not notice the change and instead cheered their heroes' five hits, three walks, and four runs over the final two frames.
Seattle expects to receive the Commissioners' Award for Exemplary Sportsmanship and a handwritten apology in the near future.
Still waiting ...
ReplyDeleteHey, it's not like they're in Philly or anything.
ReplyDelete