Seattle Declares War on River Cities; Pointlessly Aids New York

In an effort to bring down its long-time rival, the Seattle Monarchs consumated a trade yesterday with the express purpose of helping New York defeat River Cities in the playoffs. Seattle sent veteran reliever Willie Sewell and his career 3.06 ERA to join the Gothams bullpen. "Screw River Cities," said GM/Owner Mack Shultz. "I'm tired of them. The Zotti Division needs new blood at the top."

Seattle packaged Sewell and $2.4 million in exchange for reliever Stanley "Albatross" Edwards and two questionable prospects--AA starter Branden Evans and A-ball outfielder Gerald "Tooth" Whitener.

Before Shultz spoke, the popular speculation was that Seattle had decided not to resign Sewell and was looking to get something for him before he walked at the end of the year. After all, with the development of Dalton Davis and Merlin Bohon, it wasn't as though Sewell was irreplaceable. Further speculation was that, given the $10M cash cap, the money included in the deal was essentially free to Seattle and would have been lost at the end of the year due to the IRS's uniquely punitive SDMB OOTP tax code. Shultz put those rumors to rest quickly though.

"We're trying to hose Nate Wooley and his paddleboating goons," Shultz emphatically delared. "I'm tired of seeing their sorry faces in the Cecil Cup. Anything I can do to bring them down is good with me.

"It's not like the guys we got are worth a damn," Shultz continued. "I mean, look at the OSA scouting reports. They're terrible. Sure, our scouting manager Lloyd Cash told me he liked them, but we all know about his delusions. I watched him yesterday carry on a conversation with an African violet for 30 minutes. His last written recommendation was that we sign a second trimester fetus to a major league contract because it had 'great upside.' The man's a loon."

When asked whether the cash sent was negligible, given the cash cap, Shultz exploded anew. "You ever write a check for $2.4 million, Mr. Reporter? Huh? It hurts. We definitely could have used that money. I've got a team of lawyers and accountants who ensure that funds are properly funnelled into baseball operations. And yes, that includes our training facility in Tahiti. Everybody knows that players train best under the capable hands of beautiful and open-minded masseuses. It helps owners too. Now, we may have to cut back to three women per player."

When reached at his villa, New York owner Paul Michael couldn't stop giggling long enough to comment.