The Seattle Monarchs announced today that they traded reserve catcher Waylon Blassingame to River Cities in exchange for two very questionable prospects, outfielder Ernest Skelly and infielder Richard Bender. This deal ends a chapter of hatred and rivalry between Seattle Owner/GM Mack Shultz and his Ohio counterpart, Nate Wooley.
"Yeah, I've hated Nate in the past. HATED him. But then, I saw the error of my ways," Shultz said.
After the Sewell trade with New York, Shultz was relaxing, enjoying the feeling of helping to take down the River Cities behemoth, and flipping channels on the TV when he came across a telecast of a religious revival. Suddenly, Shultz realized that living with hatred and anger was really no way to live at all. He immediately embarked on intensive psychiatric counseling with Dr. Frasier Crane. Through a series of wacky adventures, culminating in a date with the delectable Daphne Moon, Shultz realized he had found peace with the universe and, more importantly, with himself.
"At that point, I realized I had to make it up to Nate. Not for Nate's sake, but for my own," Shultz explained. Scanning the River Cities' roster, Shultz saw the obvious weakness: catching. "Have you seen their stats? Terrible."
A revelation struck Shultz. He could help. A voice from above told him that the way to bring balance back into his life was to send Alberto "Nitro" Granado to River Cities for nothing.
Shultz then responded to the voice, "Stuff it. The Sewell trade wasn't that one-sided." Instead, Shultz embarked on a project to help River Cities by trading them Blassingame for nothing.
"Yeah, Nate was pretty suspicious at first," Shultz recalled. "He wouldn't take my phone calls at first. Then, instead of the standard pre-trade medical, he sent Blassingame through an explosives detection machine. It's fair to say Nate didn't trust my motives." Shultz persevered though, and eventually convinced Wooley to accept the reliable backstop.
"Everything's cool between us now," Shultz claimed. "We're going to get together later this month and make smores, sing Kumbaya, the whole thing. I'm really looking forward to spending time with my new BFF."
When asked about the impact of Blassingame on the tight Zotti League race, Shultz replied, "Screw Paul and New York. What have those miserable SOBs ever done for me?"
I welcomed him back to Jesus with open arms. Odd for a Jew like me but it seemed appropriate.
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